Tit for Tat
by Jellico
Summary: Sibling revenge vampire-style. Rosalie may have started it all, but Emmett and Jasper are determined to end it, no matter what the cost to their backsides!


_**Mount Washington, NH – October 1957**_

Eight miles into the woods behind their reclusive house on the very edge of town – and far out of range of anyone's hearing, mortal or immortal – Emmett and Jasper Cullen finished discussing their latest scheme to get revenge on Rosalie. Throwing out her beloved makeup, perfumes and shampoos two weeks ago while fall cleaning had been an accident, but Rosalie's prompt retribution had not been, and she had been grossly mistaken to think that sabotaging Emmett's Jeep and riding Jasper's motorcycle off a cliff would go unpunished. They'd had no choice but to pour motor oil on Rosalie's entire wardrobe to teach her a lesson, but then _she_ had taken _that_ as an engraved invitation to incinerate several of Jasper's out-of-print historical novels and then to utterly destroy a large portion of the sports clothing and memorabilia that Emmett owned.

Well, if she thought they were now licked, she was in for one heck of a surprise.

Of the two brothers and with his vast military experience, Jasper knew full well that their latest plan to even the score with Rosalie was tactically unwise, but he'd never been one to hesitate once a decision had been made. Besides, weren't his adopted brothers always telling him to loosen up and screw the consequences sometimes? Combining immortality with idiocy was fun, according to the Book of Emmett, and honestly, the last couple of weeks actually had been kind of fun!

With a smirk of anticipation on his pale face, Jasper took a very decisive step in the direction of their house, then paused with a frown and looked back impatiently at his hulking, dark-haired brother who had yet to follow.

"You coming?" he asked.

Like he'd been doing for the last hour, Emmett kept fiddling with the industrial steel cutter he'd 'borrowed' from their high school shop class the previous day. "Are you _sure_ these won't work on her?"

Jasper stifled a sigh as he walked over to his sibling. They'd gone over this before and Emmett already knew the answer to his own question. Still, since he'd persisted in asking it yet again, Jasper snatched the sharpened shears from him then tried and failed to sever the boy's fingers. "Did that work? Did I even pierce your vampire skin the slightest bit?"

Emmett chuckled as he withdrew his undamaged hand. "Uh, no."

With Emmett smirking at him now like he wasn't too bright, Jasper returned the look in spades. "Then we won't be able to cut Rosalie's vampire hair with it either, now will we?"

Emmett's grin faded, point taken. "I guess not."

"Only our teeth are sharp enough to do the deed, big brother."

"Okay, okay, I get it."

"Good." _Finally_. The mobile cutter weighed upwards of fifty pounds and would have been burdensome to even the strongest of humans, but Jasper hadn't been human in over ninety years. He tossed the heavy tool effortlessly over his shoulder deep into a ravine, ignored Emmett's half-started objection and simply arched an eyebrow at him. "Now, are you ready?"

Emmett winced. "Yeah, but … you realize Rose is about to make our lives a living hell. You do know that, right?"

Jasper shrugged, a devious smile beginning to form again since he'd already begun strategizing possible future moves to counter her inevitable retaliation. "She can try," he said.

"Try, my ass, dude! She's never gonna die and neither are we! You know how much damage our sister can do to us in one day let alone an eternity?!"

"Sister?" Jasper laughed aloud at that. "What, she's not your wife anymore?"

"Not when she's about to castrate me, no!"

"Quit worrying so much."

"But—"

Jasper lay a comforting hand on Emmett's muscular shoulder. "Look, we're not going to linger in our attack. It'll be two quick bites and then we'll be gone. Plus, Christmas is only two months away. We'll return her hair as a gift-wrapped present, and then all she'll have to do is exactly what she _does_ do whenever she's tired of her looks and decides to 'grow out' her hair. She'll touch the ends together and they'll fuse just like if she'd lost a limb then re-attached it."

"I know that, but—"

"But nothing, Em. In two seconds, she'll look exactly like she does right now and she'll forgive us long before the next century rolls around."

Jasper tugged his brother toward the house but stopped when Emmett dug in his heels. The twenty-year-old looked half queasy and half pissed off, similar to the time Edward had tricked him into chugging a 'blood shake' that just happened to be missing a very key ingredient for vampire health. Jasper took a discreet step away in case Emmett got it into his head to pound him like he'd done that day to Edward. "What?"

Emmett's brows drew together. "Well, that's just great. Rose gets her hair back, but what about me? I have regular guy needs, bro, and my love life's about to go down the tubes for a really long time, like, seriously."

Jasper relaxed. "Only for a year or so. From what I've seen, Rose enjoys intimacy far too much to deny you longer than that."

"Well, twelve whole months in a row without sex is gonna kill me, Jasper! And I'm not even talking about Carlisle yet who's gonna wallop our butts like there's no tomorro—"

"He will not."

"Oh yes, he will! You and Alice weren't here the last time he whacked one of us kids, but trust me, brother, he really knows how to do it good. By the time he's through with us, there's no way we're ever gonna want to sit down again!"

"If you say so … now come on!"

Jasper refused to allow Emmett to delay them any longer. He didn't for one second believe that his new father would actually spank a member of his own coven as punishment, so he gripped Emmett's left bicep and yanked on it relentlessly until the older boy simply gave up and followed, their feet barely touching the ground as they hurried home.

Halfway there, Emmett was the one who picked up the pace. Only Rosalie was scheduled to be there at the moment, which was perfect for what they intended to do, but there was no guarantee that she should remain there alone for long. Edward would never snitch, but if soft-hearted Alice collapsed under the weight of keeping their secret and confessed to Carlisle and Esme what two of their sons were striving to do, those same parents would hurry home to stop it, and then there would be no satisfaction at all in the spankings the two brothers were sure to receive for plotting against their sister. Luck was with them though, Emmett was thrilled to note, once they were within hearing distance of home. The only vampire either brother could sense inside was Rosalie and she was still blissfully oblivious to what awaited her.

The young men paused in the gravel driveway and gazed up at the second-floor bathroom window on the northeast corner of the house. Rosalie was in that room, singing to herself and luxuriating in a very unnecessary bubble bath, which meant her humiliation would be that much greater when they invaded her privacy and assaulted her right there in the tub without cause. Well, they _did_ have cause, but she sure as hell wouldn't see it that way. Carlisle and Esme wouldn't either, that was for sure, so their backsides were definitely going to be toast.

Unable to think of anything else for a moment, Emmett reached out and held Jasper back as he straightened his shoulders and purposely led the way toward the front door. "Wait, bro … are we really gonna do this?"

Jasper arched an eyebrow in his direction and asked only one question in return. "Are you ready to forgive her after what she did to your Jeep, your autographed baseball bats _and_ all your sports gear?"

Emmett's brows lowered. He pictured in his mind's eye the personal property he'd had to throw out and still had to replace thanks to his _sister's_ completely unreasonable temper, and all thoughts about Carlisle's spanking hand, plus the damage it could do, were forgotten. Instead, Emmett felt his nostrils begin to flare. He set his jaw, cracked his knuckles and jerked his head toward the front door. "Hell. No. Let's do this."

 _ **(Three hours later)**_

From his hidden perch atop a stand of hemlock trees in the next state some two hundred and sixty miles from home – far from Rosalie's screams and her high-pitched threats of painful, protracted harm – Emmett gulped but otherwise remained motionless as he and Jasper warily watched their father approach through the gloom.

Many times over the last two weeks, Carlisle had asked, then insisted, then demanded that their petty pranks (and Rosalie's) come to a halt. In fact, barely three days had passed since his final warning to all three of them, so there was no doubt that the man was enormously displeased with how two of his sons had chosen to pass the afternoon while nearly everyone else in the family had gone hunting. There was also no doubt that he was about to express that displeasure in very concrete ways. Carlisle had never been the type of parent to yell at, or even lecture, his children, but he had an arsenal of expressions always ready at his disposal to convey the anger he sometimes felt when their teenaged shenanigans got out of hand … and the darkest of those expressions was definitely in use right now.

 _Shit. How had Pops managed to track them down so far and so fast?_

The answer to that question popped into Emmett's head just as soon as he asked it. _Alice._ The family precog must have pointed Carlisle in the right direction before her own butt, too, end up on the chopping block. She would know what her new dad was capable of when sufficiently riled, even if Jasper refused to believe it; her visions probably wouldn't allow her to recognize anything but the truth. Of course, now that Carlisle had reached their tree and was standing at the foot of it, looking up at his sons with steely determination, Emmett also recognized the truth. His butt was doomed and so was Jasper's. He gulped again.

Carlisle took note and was grateful that at least one of his errant children accepted that his actions were not only wrong but in need of correction. He gazed upwards through the branches at his two oldest boys lurking ninety feet up, both of whom were easily visible to his immortal eyes, and he called to them, his tone quiet but exceedingly firm.

" _Boys, come down here._ "

The brothers exchanged a heavy look but obeyed at once, landing lightly on the ground. Without planning to, they spoke respectfully as one.

"Yes, sir?"

Carlisle glanced to the west. "My study. This instant."

The brothers had no chance to object as their left and right hands were promptly seized in their father's and they were pulled home at a run. In less than three hours, they were there. Rosalie was no longer shrieking in her personal bathroom – they could hear her weeping bitterly in their parents' suite as Alice and Esme did what they could to style to her liking the uneven bob she'd been left with – but neither Jasper nor Emmett caught more than a glimpse of the progress that was being made. Hauled into their father's private office, the boys were deposited on the Italian leather divan before they knew it. The second they were seated, Carlisle asked them point blank,

"What do you two have to say for yourselves?"

Jasper relaxed his posture but said nothing, his hands folded calmly in his lap. He seemed wholly unconcerned with the trouble he was in, which was in stark contrast to Emmett whose stomach began to quease, his marble forehead straining to produce nervous beads of sweat. Emmett was almost starting to feel human again, like he had reverted to his long dead fourteen-year-old self facing his pa out in the woodshed, and he had to remind himself that he wasn't human, that any horsewhipping he received today would heal completely well before dawn. Of course, each second he was over Carlisle's knees would feel like an eternity, but he could take it. Sure he could!

Full up with courage now, Emmett exchanged an unrepentant look with Jasper then shrugged and smirked up at their father. "Rose kinda had it coming, Pops."

Carlisle's answer to that was swift. He hauled his oldest son to his feet then swatted him hard and fast until the shamefaced youth was practically dancing in place, his hips jutting forward in a useless attempt to dodge his father's blows. Jasper sat up in alarm at first, realizing he'd been wrong to dismiss Emmett's concerns about getting "walloped," but in no time at all he was relaxed again once he realized no biting or maiming would follow. _About this Emmett had worried?_ Jasper stifled a smirk as he watched his adopted brother's so-called punishment continue, which was nothing, in his opinion, compared to the discipline doled out in Maria's army. As the recipient of Carlisle's studied attention, however, Emmett wasn't at all sure. He yelped, jitterbugged and finally bellowed,

 _ **"Owww! Okay, Pops, I get it! We're sorry!"**_

Carlisle released him with a curt nod toward the divan then turned to Jasper, who – to his father's utter frustration – was looking just as nonchalant as ever.

"And you? We talked about this, son—"

"We did?" Jasper looked from his grimacing brother to his unyielding father in puzzlement. "I don't remember us discussing Rose's new hairdo in any detail, but I suppose I could have forgot—"

"Do _not_ get smart with me, son."

Jasper's brow furrowed still more. "I can't _get_ smart; I _am_ smart. My intelligence is innate, Carlisle. It's hardly fair to ask me to—"

 _"Jasper, answer my question!"_

"And your question would be …?"

"What were you thinking?!"

"What was I thinking? Hmmm…." Jasper took in the growing frustration on Carlisle's face but felt no fear since the man was clearly nothing like Maria. A childish human punishment from him was a joke compared to what Maria used to do to the disobedient members of her coven. Did Carlisle really expect a former soldier to fear it? Jasper couldn't believe it. He knew what he was about to say was disrespectful and no doubt foolhardy in Emmett's eyes, but who cared when there was obviously nothing to dread from the leader of the Cullen clan? Besides, even if there was something to dread, Rosalie had actually burned his books! Just picturing the ashes that had once been his beloved historical novels inspired fresh rage, so frankly, Rosalie had been lucky her "twin" had stopped at just "cutting" her damn hair. She'd fully deserved what she got and not for one second did Jasper regret it. He met Carlisle's stern gaze without flinching while he pretended to remove a long, blonde hair from his back teeth then drop it on the carpet. "I reckon what I was thinking was that revenge is somewhat … stringy."

Yanked to his feet then whisked to the side just as Emmett had been moments ago, Jasper quickly discovered that a "childish human punishment" was nothing to scoff at when his adoptive father was the man delivering it. The nineteen-year-old promptly tried to steel himself and show no pain, but dispassion was flatly impossible under the wicked, rapid-fire onslaught. Soon, Jasper was performing his own humiliating dance, his experience with Maria, and before her the Confederate army, doing absolutely nothing to offset the rising agony in his backside. In self-preservation, driven by pure instinct, he blurted a "Sorry, Daddy!" and was promptly released like Emmett had been to return to the couch. Astounded and cupping his damaged bottom, Jasper eased down carefully onto the leather with a shocked pout on his face.

Carlisle closed his eyes, took an unnecessary breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 _What the devil had possessed him to build a family with so many hot-tempered youngsters?_

God help him, he couldn't remember. He sent a fervent prayer heavenward and reminded himself that he loved every one of his children to the depths of his core no matter how determined they were at least once every decade to test his very sanity. That done, he took another deep breath, raised his head and faced his sons.

"Boys, I am not going to scold you long for what you did; you and I both know you were wrong to assault your sister and 'assault' her is precisely what you did." As Jasper opened his mouth to object, Carlisle forestalled him with a raised finger. "You sank your teeth in Rosalie's hair and then you ripped it from her head. That is assault, and I don't care what personal property she demolished beforehand. Nothing she did was horrific enough to warrant such a physical attack from her own brothers and especially not from her own mate. Did you give no thought at all to her personal history and how your actions would make her feel, the memories they would stir?" Carlisle stared pointedly at his sons until they had the good sense to bow their heads in disgrace before he continued. "I have only one question left and I want a straight answer. What have you boys done with her hair?"

Jasper's stomach clenched but he nonetheless raised his chin defiantly. "It's gone. We burned it to teach her a lesson about destroying precious things that can't be replaced."

Carlisle was silent a moment then shifted his stern gaze to the boy's partner-in-crime. "Emmett, what did you do with Rosalie's hair?"

Emmett shifted uncomfortably as he glanced from his stone-faced brother to his equally stone-faced father. "Uh, Jazz just told you, Pops. We bur—"

"You did not burn your wife's hair," Carlisle interrupted. "I know you, son, and you would never do something so permanent or cruel, either of you. Now where is it? Tell me this instant, or the second spanking I fully intend to give you two will be in full view of your sisters _and_ your mother, is that clear?"

It was. Emmett dropped his eyes to his lap again as he shifted once more in his seat. "We … hid it under the house, Pops."

"Get it."

As soon as Emmett had slunk from the office, his torpid pace that of a human's now since he knew very well what was in store for his behind once he returned upstairs, Carlisle sat on the edge of his oversized desk, turned his attention to Jasper and beckoned the nineteen-year-old to approach.

Jasper Whitlock Hale absolutely did not want to. He knew without a doubt now what his new father was capable of when it came to dispensing discipline, and he wasn't eager for a refresher. His still faintly stinging buttocks tightened in his jeans and his lips parted in preparation for listing all the reasons that additional pain to his hind end wasn't warranted, but the moment he raised his chin, sat ramrod straight and went so far as to list the first, Carlisle moved swiftly to pull him forward and pin him across his lap where he should have been ten seconds ago. Well before he could prepare himself mentally, an agonizing salvo of superhuman spanks told Jasper that the very next time his adoptive father and coven leader gave him an order, he would be damn wise to obey it!

"Carlisle! Stop! Please!"

 _"I asked you a question and you lied point-blank to my face, son. I will not tolerate dishonesty in our family."_

"Carlisle! Da-ad! I'm sorry, Dad, please! I'm sorry!"

 _"Any lessons your sister needs to learn will be imparted by your mother and me only, is that understood, Jasper?"_

"Yes, suh! Owww! Please, Daddy!"

 _"And you will not ever, ever, EVER cut Rosalie's hair again or ambush any other member of this family the way you did her. Do I make myself perfectly clear, son?"_

 _ **"Yes, suh! I won't do agin, Daddy! I swear!"**_

Jasper heard his southern accent coming out, not only in full force but also at top volume, and he cringed inside at how childish he must sound to the rest of the family. Where had all those "Daddys" come from? He hadn't had a father in over a century. And he was an immortal, for God's sake, and a former soldier besides. This was _not_ how a veteran of the United States Confederate Army was supposed to behave!

Confused almost beyond reason, Jasper hurried to grit his teeth in order to stifle his cries, but it was too late. That much was obvious from the commiserating wince on Emmett's face when he returned to the study just as Carlisle was loosening his grip. Right away, Jasper leapt to his feet, stood at attention and tried to keep his hands fisted at his sides, but the burn was just too fierce and he couldn't hold back. With a healthy new respect for Carlisle Cullen – a coven leader who truly was a father in every way – Jasper clapped both hands behind him, blinked fast and rubbed feverishly at the seat of his jeans, consoling himself with the thought that only his brother and his "daddy" were direct witnesses to his disgrace.

Carlisle noted Jasper's discomfort, and he was sorry for it, but he also made no apologies. He gestured for the boy to make room for his brother then beckoned Emmett to approach.

Much like Jasper, Emmett didn't want to. He took a tentative step closer then held out the box that was holding Rosalie's severed hair, hoping that Carlisle would simply take it and leave things at that. Carlisle did not, and just like Jasper, Emmett was soon trapped and squirming over his father's hard lap, his bottom burning anew. The second spanking lasted mere seconds and was hardly longer than the first, but it didn't need to be. At vampire speed, many blistering swats could be delivered in a very short timeframe, but this time, it wasn't only Emmett who suffered. Jasper, too, felt wholly sympathetic as he watched. Never again would he brush off Emmett's or Edward's concern about getting punished physically by their dad, and as Emmett was put back on his feet and the frantic rubbing and hissing began all over again, Jasper was determined to keep that fact in mind the very next time he was tempted to do something that his brothers were certain would earn him a trip to the study.

For his part, Carlisle was convinced that both of his boys had learned a good lesson. He stood up from his perch on the edge of his desk, returned the box holding Rosalie's hair to the larger of his two sons, then gave Jasper and Emmett a significant look. He didn't say a word regarding what he expected them to do next, and the brothers didn't need Edward's mind-reading ability to figure it out. Sore and subdued, they shuffled slowly from the room, paused, then reluctantly turned left towards the master bedroom so they could apologize to Rosalie and give her back what they'd stolen…

 _ **(Ninety minutes later)**_

A few hundred yards to the west of the Cullen residence, Jasper balanced himself with ease on one of the middle branches of a sugar maple, one ear cocked toward the house while he smiled mysteriously into the night. He had been alone with his thoughts for the last sixty minutes – a welcome respite after the lengthy maternal lecture he'd had to endure from Esme, the light scolding he'd received from Alice and the shrill condemnation that had come from Rosalie – but he was alone no more. As the branch he stood on dipped ever so slightly, he glanced to the left at his scowling partner in crime.

Emmett, as usual, said exactly what was on his mind. "Can you sit yet?" he demanded. "'Cause I sure as hell can't."

Jasper shook his head, far from troubled. "I think better on my feet anyway."

"Oh yeah? And what're you thinking about besides the fact that the prank we pulled totally wasn't worth the kick-ass price we paid?"

"Wasn't it?" Jasper tipped his head toward home, his smile widening. "Listen."

Emmett did. Edward was playing Ravel's Sonatine I on the piano, a sure sign that he was working to calm everyone's frayed nerves. Alice's voice was also mixing with Rosalie's as they discussed how best to style the latter's newly-recovered tresses., but neither of those activities could possibly be of interest to Jasper, so Emmett homed in on his parents' voices next and learned that an extended/romantic trip for two at Emerald Lake was in the offing. Apparently, today's conflict had been the final straw since they planned to book a flight to the Yukon as soon as Carlisle had arranged time off from the hospital. Both were confident that a true lesson has been learned by their three oldest children, so they had no intentions of coming back for at least a month. Emmett's brows drew closer together when he heard that.

"So? Mom and Pops are gonna ditch us for a while to take a vacation up north. What's the big deal?" Jasper didn't say a word, just continued staring at him with his lips unturned with sphinxlike amusement. He knew it wouldn't take long for two-and-two to come together, and it didn't. Much wider than Jasper now, Emmett grinned. "And Rosalie's gonna be unprotected for _weeks_!"

"Yes, she is. No Daddy at home means no spankin' for our hides no matter what we do to a certain deserving sister." Jasper tipped his head toward their secret spot eight miles into the woods where they could collude without being overheard. "You up for Round Six, brother?"

Emmett jumped to the ground, pumped and ready to go. "Hell, yeah! Let's do this!"


End file.
